RANDOM TODAY

following the title of my blog, this post is going to probably be completely random lol. i have begun the grieving process in earnest...i dont know what stage i am in or if im in mixed stages or what ...i only know im angry and hurting and confused about all this. i also am feeling guilt. so much guilt, she wanted me to leave my husband when all this mess happened with him with me getting stitches in my head, and come to south dakota and spend some time with her, maybe she was asking for help in the way i do, a round-a-bout way that says i need someone to help me out right now, but since im "strong", im going to make it seem like i just want you to come visit...im sad that i didnt take the time to go. im sad that i didnt have more time with her. im sad i didnt have more memories with her. im blessed and grateful that i had 9 years with her, and im blessed and grateful that i got to meet some of my brothers and sisters....i am struggling with the decisions i want to make...i dont even know if the peole in my life in ohio want to be a part of my life anymore now, i know for sure my brother doesnt....well he said he doesnt but i dont know if that was grief or what....i will let him be for now and if he does chose to contact me in the future, i will be so grateful to have that contact....my older brother here, wishes not to contact me, i have reached out to him countless times including when i returned home after south dakota but he continually ignores me and it hurts. it hurts cause i need him, i need family right now, and he chooses to stay away. i believe i have hurt him with the choices i have made with my husband. and staying in the abusive relationship, however i do love my brother beyond that, and only wish he could understand and respect my decisions but also be a part of my life. i am angry with God right now. i understand that the human experience is not meant to last forever. i understand that we are "temporary beings" here on this earth but i dont understand why all this grief keeps getting shoved my way. and thats how it feels. i was just beginning to see the new life in my world after losing my daughter and my grandmother a year ago, and i lose my birthmom. i am blessed in some ways i guess that i have another "mom" here that raised me but that isnt giving me any consolation or peace right now. i hurt and there is this huge hole in my heart right now where my loved ones that i fiercely loved have been taken away from me. i am trying to read grief books and get to a psychiatrist to get back on some medications to help with my bipolar or whatever i may have, but its difficult. there are so many times i want to stop caring or loving anyone in my life for fear of the pain when they eventually leave me. cause thats the plan here on earth. you love someone as much as you can, and you hope you make them happy in their temporary life here, and then they go home to heaven and have eternal happiness. so i begin to wonder if its even worth it anymore? is it worth the love and the hurt and the pain i feel when they are gone? i truly believe in a lot of things, i believe that fate exists, i believe that God exists no matter how contrary they may be to each other, i believe that people are placed in our lives for a reason and when they leave our lives no matter through death, or adoption (as with my daughter) or just passing through and relationships ending (as with ex boyfriends and friends etc.).....i dont know all the reasons that people pass through and i understand my Lord doesnt believe i need to know all those reasons, but i hurt. and im so tired of hurting. i know you have to take the good with the bad, but it just seems lately that the bad is outnumbering the good, and i just want the sun to shine in my heart again. i want to be able to TRULY smile without tears hiding behind it, i want to feel excited to love again, i want to find joy in waking up in the morning....i just want my life back.....

MY BIRTHMOM DIED 03/02/2012 AGE 54....

that is the hardest shit i hope i EVER have to do...


got a phone call thursday aroud 3pm saying my birth-mom was in the ICU in south dakota...i called the hospital and they told me to come out there....so we got on the road by 5pm, drove all night and arrived in Sioux city friday around 3am, checked hubby and kid into the hotel and they went to sleep, i went to the hospital and talked to the nurses... my mom evidently found out 10 years ago that she had cervical cancer, but chose not to have surgery...(idk anyone else ahem who would EVER not have a hysterectomy when they are told they have cancer....called the dr friday...no worries) and so the police found her on the 29th and thats only after noone heard from her for 4 days, basically cause she had no family there or anyone that knew anything, they had to perform cpr and whatever, bought her "back" she had a pulse and crap but she was braindead...they only know they found a giant mass on her cervix that covered her kidneys which caused kidney failure and by the time she got ot the hospital it was already too late, her body was shutting down....

Friday: we just had to turn the machines off...of course we thought that would be it...about 20 minutes later, she was still "breathing" and ughhh it got to be very hard...i cannot even imagine the nurses but they were awesome...anyways finally a little over 8 hours later, she turned to her sister, opened her eyes and that was it...i left the hospital around 11pm when they took her body away....

Sunday: got back to the hotel around 1230am, hubby and kid were sleeping until around 9am and then about 20 mins later...the 3 of us stayed in the pool for about 2 hours, then got out showered and went to the funeral home...then went to my moms apt....then got back to the hotel about 6? pmish....hubby and child went to sleep...i sat there until about 11pm when i woke hubby up and said lets go home...so we packed up and got home around 630am sunday morning.


i cannot breath, i cannot grieve, i dont know which way to turn  i understand she has finally found peace in her rough life and i praise god for that, but i am left her broken....i only knew her for 9 years, but she was still the woman who gave me life....and i love her no matter her faults...only god can judge her now...i will forever miss you mom....i love you

IM BACK

i know i know run for your lives! lol...lotts happened since last posting. fish are dead. seriously the turtles are red-eared sliders and i guess are known to be vicious and will eat other fish, thats why i bought the feeder goldfish, i didnt realize they would also attack any other fish in the darn tank! both algae eaters are gone, and all the goldfish except the white one are gone, i have however seen the white one attacking the turtles one day so maybe thats why they dont bother him?! i dont know...haha...im sad about the algae eaters so poonanny about that. i "made" two new friends and only one survived the last month haha...idk whatever. i got some new tires courtesy of my new friends helping me get a huge discount cause he works at a tire place, but it seems that his (married to another man) girlfriend is jealous of  me being friends with him ( i really am surprised since shes the one who wanted desperately for me to meet him and be friends with him...) so her and i exchanged words and are no longer friends...we did go to chicago (on hubby and my dime of course) all together before the friendship broke up so i guess ill always have the memories? haha. anyways whatever. im thinking of going to chicago this weekend while hubby and daughter stay home. would be nice to get away for once BY MYSELF. for myself. you know? ever needed a mommy vacation? im lucky enough to be able to get one, i dont think i should miss this oppurtunity.....got really horrible news about my back MRI and i dont even know which way to look for guidance on that one. but for now i am back on pain meds that i didnt want to take, but they arent even really helping so  im not really taking them. the doctor placed me on bedrest but i know from my medical background and experience, that bedrest is NOT going to help my back, its going to make it worse from not moving, and since im working out at the Y and not dying of pain when im done working out, then im going to continue that workout until i cant. if something breaks (my back or neck or something) then i guess ill have learned my lesson the way i learn all my lessons in life, the HARD way...haha....my mom thinks im crazy but i am so whats the big deal? she also knows i do things the hard way cause whats the point in listening to people when i think i know better? haha. ok well im tired and have to go squeeze in a 45 minute workout at the ymca so im not throwing my schedule off...hubby is playing his darn game anyways and wont even notice me if im missing for a little while....kinda sad if you think about it....

laters

EXCERCISE

joined the ymca and worked out for first time today in like 4 years! ha, crazy. was good though. got some pain in my knee but nothing too bad....glad to have had some time to myself and not dealing with all the bs around here. got more drama on the way which sucks but whatever, i will handle it as usual. turtles and fish still doing good. :)

S I G H

i just have no more words. im exhausted emotionally and physically. got some turtles and fish so happy about that. car is messed up. will cost a lot of money to fix. so basically cant drive too much other then essential driving. rack and pinion are ready to go at any moment  estimated cost to fix that - $800 , power steering pump ready to go soon too - est. cost to repair that $350. need two front tires DESPERATELY bad est. cost for them $300. going to crawl in a cave and not come out ever again.

STUCK

i feel stuck in a completely impossible situation. i cannot even deal with this bs anymore. and its not fair. my life and my daughters life are at stake....see i have discussed the situation with 'dear husband' and basically the arguement from him is that i am not leaving him with our daughter. if i attempt to do so, he will fight me in court. and my thought is this; with the amount of documentable (not including the undocumented) domestic violence that has occured in this marriage, he would not get custody of mackenzie, and if he did, i would never allow it since the family members that he would be leaving her with while hes at work, i dont trust so...and with my prior history of losing my children and the latest episode with my princess that ive lost forever, i would most definitely never get custody of our daughter we have now, which leaves only one option, the state would put her in a foster home. now i can leave and claim domestic violence and i fear for my life (which in a way i do, but not my daughters) but then my daughter wouldnt have a relationship with her father anymore and i dont care about the problems that i have with him, those are OUR problems as adults and they dont need to include our daughter anymore then they already have...so i feel like im being forced to stay in a relationship thats becoming increasingly dangerous for me, and almost by proxy for her, cause what lessons am i teaching her?!?! and to me, it seems he doesnt care about her cause hes not willing to let me go with her...anyone have any advice? you can comment anonymously...and i really need advice here! PLEASE

NOT POSTING TONIGHT

just really exhausted lately. not sure if depression kicking in and trying to settle for a while...but we will see. february 6th is coming quickly...and i dont know how to handle it...trying to not think about it...it will have been 4 years on that day...and it still feels like yesterday...im devastated that we still havent received a photo but i am learning to try and accept it and move on with my life...its difficult but im trying to remember that im living Gods plan and not mine!

TIRED

i sm exhausted. doing great physically though - no more withdrawl symptoms which is freaking awesome. maybe it was just a psychological thing. i have pain still so am going to be scheduling a full body MRI scan to see what we can see! haha. for real about 2 years ago there was bulging in the 2 lower discs in my spine and arthritis, so its 100% possible that things have changed for the worse since then including the stupid car accident i had in october. so im glad that we are going to do that. makes me feel a little better. i do have a horrible bladder infection so that stinks monkey balls, but im on strong antibiotics to hopefully help alleviate the symptoms of that and clear it up. ten days on that 2x a day grrrr. figured out the car insurance thing - it was coming out on my papers that i had a 2004 car when my car is a 1999....turns out when i was reading them the VIN number i was off by 2 numbers at the end...but how strange that it would turn out to be the exact same vehicle just a different year?!?! cra-zy. so just printed out the new insurance "card" to keep in the car so i dont get into trouble with that. gained back a lot of weight and that frustrates me extremely bad. i was down to 180 in the beginning of december and now yesterday i weighed 201 :( that makes me cry. but i know i havent been eating properly, ive been drinking soda again and i havent been walking as i was before so gotta get back in the grind watching what i eat, no more soda and walking daily again. should shed it quickly again. still not feeling well, antibiotics are the strongest there is for Cipro (700 mg) and they are making me nauseated and tired so thats all im going to post for today. thank you for reading, i wish people would comment even if its anonymous! but oh well. laters

ADDICTION

"addiction is the only disease that will convince you that you dont have it" ... (Narcotics Anonymous)

i THOUGHT i had this thing beat, i THOUGHT i was okay. and so i went to the doctor and said of course i can be trusted with 120 percocet, OF COURSE! cause i have this under control now. i stopped going to my drug rehab place and decided i am not an addict cause i was taking 2 a night to control the horrible back pain and i wasnt craving anything all dang day and blah blah blah...so doctor decided okay well since you KNOW where you have been with this addiction and where you DONT EVER want to be again, im going to trust that you really are in control....(huh?! wtf?! im a DRUG ADDICT !!) anyways i went home on january 10th with 120 percocet, and i am now officially out..so that averages out to about 9 pills a day (which is what i was up to when i 'quit' in october) and im going through freaking withdrawl. and its gonna suck donkey balls when it really gets bad...so im here, and im angry cause i REALLY thought i had this damn thing licked...and i dont...my name is -------- and i...i am a drug addict.....

ONE YEAR AGO

One year ago, while taking a patients blood pressure, i got THE call. from my dad. grandma was gone. after over 10 years of struggling with immobiity issues, pain and emphydema in her legs, emphysema and chronic oxygen for lung ddysfunction, and a 2 month hospitilazation...grandma went home peacefully to her husband and son and Father in heaven. time does not seem to heal wounds, or at least not a year anyways...i miss her everyday and today is not just another day....today i will mourn...today i lost my grandma....

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY....

after yet another fight last night for absolutely no reason (that i know of) my husband decided hes done. he wants to walk away (actually move to another freaking state) and be done with our marriage and parenting and whatever. i dont understand...i dont. i know this marriage has become toxic lately, and i have spent more time crying the last year then i ever have in my life i think, but to end it all and walk away?! i dont know. i know i would survive, but what about our little girl?! i cant talk anymore today. i need to cry some more. sigh
tomorrow is the one year anniversary of losing my grandma....life is heartbreaking right now

MY BIRTHDAY!

my 32nd birthday was today. i woke up with the 'plans' to spend the day having lunch with a friend, and then the evening was going to meet that friend and then two more friends up at the local watering hole to have a few beers and then go to their house a block over and watch some movies. all in all a good quiet day / night filled with friendship. then i woke up and saw on my facebook that the admirals were playing tonight. i have a twin brother and its been a tradition that every year they play a home game on our birthday our dad would take us, well since dad is in florida now, it was up to twin and i to keep the tradition going! so i called him eager to surprise him with my brilliant plan, i had some extra moneys and would take him and his girl to the hockey game so we could celebrate our birthday together....well twin already had plans to go with his girl and friends from work, so he said well here ill give you two passes for free tickets for your birthday, haha...so i went to lunch with my friend, and said well plans have changed, but would you like to go to a hockey game with me and my brother tonight? sure he said, i just have to make sure that my brother doesnt have anything planned first cause weekends are the only time we see each other but im like 90% sure it wont be a  problem. ill call you at 530 and be at your house around 7...no sense paying for parking for 2 cars! so friend came in and met hubby and bobby (the dog) ((daughter was already at her aunties house for the night)) and then left. so i had about 3 hours to waste before 630 when i would have to get dressed for the hockey game...enough time to find my long lost admirals teeshirt! haha. instead i decided i would take a little nap...and then at 530 i got the call that my friend wouldnt be able to make it to the hockey game....(oh my god are you serious? the passes my brother gave me werent upgradeable to the seats he was sitting in, so i had to pay full price for the tickets - $40.00) oh ok...trying not to show my incredible disappointment i wished him fun with his brother tonight and said goodbye before crying and angrily throwing the phone at the wall. this was MY birthday damnit! and i wanted to go to the hockey game with you, and now you arent going....sigh...ok...hubby? wanna go to the hockey game? well he just got home from a 15 hour shift of driving at work and i knew if i took him he would sleep through the excitement and i would just be embarrassed in front of my brother and his work friends...so i figured, forget it, ill go myself. i already know im sitting close to my brother and his buddies, maybe his girl will sit and talk with me during intermissions, and a friend from high school would be there too and planned to come say hi. so i thought okay, i NEVER do stuff alone, but this is a new year, a new me, and im freaking 32 years old, i can handle a hockey game alone....cant i? so i napped a little more...through my alarm and missed the whole darn game....sigh. i cried a little more cause now my birthday had been "ruined" and the tradition was wrecked cause of me. once again i messed things up, oh yeah and i lost 40 bucks! thats lot of money to me, sorry. so anyways learned the admirals won 2-1 and it was a great game...sad that i couldnt be there, but i now have passes (they werent upgradeable remember?) to another game so hubby and i are going to plan to see the chicago timberwolves play our admirals in march. hubbys birthday is feb. 27th so it works out well to be a birthday treat for him. i did get pictures of my two oldest from their school taken photos which was nice....all in all the day kinda sucked but it gets a B for effort and i did have a great lunch with friend. and daughter had a nice sleepover with her auntie and cousins. now if it would warm up in this darn house i would be much happier!!!

AWAKE...AGAIN....

sigh, im awake..have alot on my mind that wasnt there last night when i blogged. so i will come bore you all with the details of it. i have a Kindle Touch  that i got on black friday...i never have shopped on black friday but i was thinking of getting a kindle for a long time and then that day was payday and we had a little extra moneys so decided to head out to best buy and ask questions about it and then i ended up getting one. i love it. but i feel a little guilty about not reading more 'books' and possibly making them extinct...but it beats having to always pay late fees or damaged fees cause ive left my book in the bathroom while reading and relaxing in the tub and then mackenzie has thrown it in the tub with her, and its just easier. i have about 90 books on there right now cause it seems every website i find that has a free book, i download it if it sound interesting...anyways thats not whats really bothering me. i met someone. a guy i REALLY like, and he seems to like me. but oddly enough for 'religious' reasons he only has sex when hes been with a woman for a commited relationship and not a little 3 days course of conversations haha...but its nice. to me. cause a lot of my male 'friends' i hang out with and know somewhere that the night will end with us hooking up, so this guy is kinda cool change to the pace. oh my husband? yes, well we have a marriage of 'convenience' ? is that the right word to use? when he wants me around im his wife when he doesnt, im all the other words he can describe me and his punching bag, and as of new years eve, im just kinda done with it. we are still living together but are filing for legal seperation. i still love him, i really do, i think he still loves me, but maybe it seems that we arent destined to be married after all. we seem to just spend more time thinking of ways to hurt each other then we are trying to find ways to make each other happy. so for now we just are kinda parenting roomates and its ok. we havent fought since this incident with my head, and we just are generally getting along and its ok. daughter doesnt seem confused by the fact that we dont sleep together anymore so thats good too. above all my concern is her, i know it doesnt seem like it sometimes, but it is. i would / have go through hell for her to be happy. i know all too well that there will be times coming soon when i wont be able to always wipe the tears and make her heart stop hurting. i know all to well how soon other people are going to start affecting her life both emotionally happy and sadly and i hurt cause i dont want her to hurt, but thats part of growing up....so i pray that she doesnt make bad choices that i made, and get hurt so early on in life that it messes up the rest of her life. i lay awake many nights and i wonder how do i tell her dont smoke, when everyday she sees daddy smoking. how do i tell her dont drink? when she has (in the past) seen mommy drink into oblivion. how do i tell her dont do drugs, when shes seen me pop so many pills even when not addicted, i took a lott of pills daily to control my bipolar disorder? ....i know alot if not all parents have these questions but i just take it harder. how do i explain to her why shes an "only child" when she has 2 sisters and a brother being raised by other people? there are so many things that i dont know how to do or what to say....its true babies dont come with a handbook....for now i just pray and sit and wonder sometimes how she is turning out to be such the loving little girl she is. she always makes everyone smile, she always wants to talk and never wants anyone to cry...maybe im not doing that bad of a job as a parent afterall....

IT SNOWED!

needless to say if you actually live in wisconsin, milwaukee especially, you dont need to know. im sure many of you who actually had to work or go out and shovel are not happy about it but me and my baby girl were very excited about the FIRST snow of the season! FINALLY!!! i always like the first snow or even if it hasnt snowed in a while in winter, it reminds me that God (or your higher power whatever) does exist somewhere and the snow sparkles if you look at it a certain way...it just reminds me that sometimes things will be okay if i just wait....

goodnight

FRUSTRATED AND ANOTHER SLEEPLESS MORNING

Its 535 am here in milwaukee and im awake. i slept from about 930 to 230am when i awoke to find dear husband on the couch and our 4 year old playing a game on the computer! good lord, so battled her to sleep since she didnt want to go to bed, and he climbed wearily into bed and then i laid there about two hours before developing a massive headache and now im up and doing boring things on the internet. playing my game usually calms me down but its not today, and i have my music going in the background but my mind is still racing. its times like these that i truly believe the doctors of late are wrong and i DO have bipolar disorder and need something to calm the mania, but then other times that i wonder if they are right and it was seriously alcohol and drug issues covering and making it seem like other problems were more extreme. or something like that. see i ramble sometimes, things make sense to me but probably not to others lol. im glad my disability SSI case went through but on the same note im worried cause bills are getting to be a lot again and i dont know what to do with them. sigh all i can do i guess is pray and keep paying the bills. got car insurance back on the car, not that thats going to help now after my accident in october, i still have no money to get the body damages fixed and went through the car wash today and realized my trunk leaks BAD ! its frustrating. a lot of things are frustrating me right now. i am worried about my head, because its been about a month since my injury and im still have a lump and localized pain in the area. i want to tell people what really happened but i cant. i cant betray my life anymore. i knoe 90% of people in my life already know or can guess what happened so i dont want to talk about it... i dont know why i stay, i never thought i would be one of THOSE women. you know? like theres a damn stigma around the abuse situation and its always the mans fault except when its not. so where does that leave me? cause this time, and only this time i actually didnt do anything to provoke this particular attack however lord knows i have provoked MANY more of them and hes been hurt too. so what now? where do we go from here? i dont want my daughter to grow up being hurt and i know she is. i want to leave. i want to take off and start a new life away from everybody. i want to stop the pain. and it seems to be in my blood to run. i dont understand why men can leave their families all the time and oh poor single mom and blah blah blah, but if a woman leaves her husband to raise the children, its oh my god what the hell is wrong with her? shes a horrible mother! well the children are better off without her! and stupid stuff like that. i dont understand the stigma society puts on mothering and parenting as a whole. i know i used to take childless 'vacations' for a while, going to see friends every weekend in michigan or family in ohio, but now money and hubbys job have put an end to that for a while...so how do i calm this desire to leave? how do i not run? its been 6 years and ive been through hell and back and not run and i dont really know why i didnt run yet, but i know God is out there somewhere, and he has a plan for me, but it hurts right now, and its been a lott of hurting and i just want to not hurt for a little while....is that too much to ask?

DEPRESSION

depression is sinking in today and it looks like its gonna stay for awhile. since this is an "anonymous" blog i wont get into all the actual real stuff that im depressed about but there are things coming, a death one year anniversary, and the "anniversary" of my 2nd youngest child being taken away by CPS. i dont understand what is going on in the universe tonight, but dear husband has actually been a dear and is letting me sleep as much as possible and taking care of our daughter as much as he can while he tries to sleep too. i feel terrible cause he needs sleep and im just not possibly getting out of bed..idk....well thats all for tonight. im going to a "social meetup" to learn more about blogging and promoting my blog so that i can get more readers and therefore i would blog more. lol...if your in milwaukee you should check out the meetip, its being run by one of dear husbands oldest friends casey and hes a goof...if anything just come to see these twins that were seperated at birth! cause they are literally twins!!!

SO SICK TODAY

i cannot even explain how sick i am today, i think i have the flu along with a cold and some stress combined that made me exhausted and having a pretty crappy day. i have had a runny nose and my eyes were watering like crazy, took some benadryl and nyquil and going back to sleep. i dont recommend you taking these meds together as i think they can be dangerous if taken together with some people so i dont want anyone to be hurt so dont  take them...im just so tired today....so sorry that this post isnt fun and more thought provoking. i slept all day, thank god dear hubby watched our daughter and left me to the most part alone and sleeping. that is a rare blessing. my birthday is on saturday...im going to be 32 years old...never thought i would make it to 30 with the life i was living in the past, so this is going to be a great one...sad that im getting old though haha...but i have a lott of life ahead of me (God-willingly)...goodnight for now people

CONFUSION

i got my tubes tied in 2007 after the 4th kid...i was done. there was no more coming out of this vajajay...and too where the hell was i going to be able to afford another kid? yeah im married now but at that timei had a disabled child and a new baby with my husband. well now here i sit 5 years later, and my disabled daughter has been adopted by a wonderful family almost 3 years ago, and our baby is growing so fast...and im gonna say...my biologiocal clock started ticking...really loudly..and i said to the hubby...i want a baby.....and his response? .......i want one too...lets get your tubes untied and try again.....


me - speechless and exhausted and worried.....would he leave me to have another baby or would he be satisfied for the rest of his life with only our one daughter?


hmmm worry

HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE

i wake up, thank god i wake up and it was just a dream:

we move into this place thats not the best...almost like a refurbished hotel, but it has 2 bedrooms, room for our daughter and my husband and i and its clean. no bugs or anything. we sleep soundly the first night without even unpacking, we are so exhausted from the move. we wake up the next morning and go into one of the bedrooms and find a whole family sleeping....oh my god?! what in the world is going on? we paid this landlord our life savings to move in here with first months rent and security deposit, who are these people??? landlord suddenly shows up and says i made a mistake this apartment is not available...im in tears, our daughter whos only 4 is playing with the other children oblivious to whats going on...the landlord says he has another unit available on the other side of town, but it has a 'small' problem with roaches....no i will not live with roaches....we get into our car now and barely have room for our belongings since we came with a UHaul....we are now homeless....we have no family that will take us in, we have no money as that landlord is being crooked and saying it will take him 30 days to refund our money....oh my god....not again...not with my child....Lord why have you abandoned me?! 



- thankfully the Lord didnt abandon me and i woke up, safe and warm in my bed, in my home. i am not homeless, not about to be homeless, and have money still in saavings....but i know somewhere someone is facing this nightmare and they wont wake up from it as it is their reality...i have been homeless but never with my children (thank God)....i pray for those families today. Happy New Year