RANDOM TODAY

following the title of my blog, this post is going to probably be completely random lol. i have begun the grieving process in earnest...i dont know what stage i am in or if im in mixed stages or what ...i only know im angry and hurting and confused about all this. i also am feeling guilt. so much guilt, she wanted me to leave my husband when all this mess happened with him with me getting stitches in my head, and come to south dakota and spend some time with her, maybe she was asking for help in the way i do, a round-a-bout way that says i need someone to help me out right now, but since im "strong", im going to make it seem like i just want you to come visit...im sad that i didnt take the time to go. im sad that i didnt have more time with her. im sad i didnt have more memories with her. im blessed and grateful that i had 9 years with her, and im blessed and grateful that i got to meet some of my brothers and sisters....i am struggling with the decisions i want to make...i dont even know if the peole in my life in ohio want to be a part of my life anymore now, i know for sure my brother doesnt....well he said he doesnt but i dont know if that was grief or what....i will let him be for now and if he does chose to contact me in the future, i will be so grateful to have that contact....my older brother here, wishes not to contact me, i have reached out to him countless times including when i returned home after south dakota but he continually ignores me and it hurts. it hurts cause i need him, i need family right now, and he chooses to stay away. i believe i have hurt him with the choices i have made with my husband. and staying in the abusive relationship, however i do love my brother beyond that, and only wish he could understand and respect my decisions but also be a part of my life. i am angry with God right now. i understand that the human experience is not meant to last forever. i understand that we are "temporary beings" here on this earth but i dont understand why all this grief keeps getting shoved my way. and thats how it feels. i was just beginning to see the new life in my world after losing my daughter and my grandmother a year ago, and i lose my birthmom. i am blessed in some ways i guess that i have another "mom" here that raised me but that isnt giving me any consolation or peace right now. i hurt and there is this huge hole in my heart right now where my loved ones that i fiercely loved have been taken away from me. i am trying to read grief books and get to a psychiatrist to get back on some medications to help with my bipolar or whatever i may have, but its difficult. there are so many times i want to stop caring or loving anyone in my life for fear of the pain when they eventually leave me. cause thats the plan here on earth. you love someone as much as you can, and you hope you make them happy in their temporary life here, and then they go home to heaven and have eternal happiness. so i begin to wonder if its even worth it anymore? is it worth the love and the hurt and the pain i feel when they are gone? i truly believe in a lot of things, i believe that fate exists, i believe that God exists no matter how contrary they may be to each other, i believe that people are placed in our lives for a reason and when they leave our lives no matter through death, or adoption (as with my daughter) or just passing through and relationships ending (as with ex boyfriends and friends etc.).....i dont know all the reasons that people pass through and i understand my Lord doesnt believe i need to know all those reasons, but i hurt. and im so tired of hurting. i know you have to take the good with the bad, but it just seems lately that the bad is outnumbering the good, and i just want the sun to shine in my heart again. i want to be able to TRULY smile without tears hiding behind it, i want to feel excited to love again, i want to find joy in waking up in the morning....i just want my life back.....