FRUSTRATED AND ANOTHER SLEEPLESS MORNING

Its 535 am here in milwaukee and im awake. i slept from about 930 to 230am when i awoke to find dear husband on the couch and our 4 year old playing a game on the computer! good lord, so battled her to sleep since she didnt want to go to bed, and he climbed wearily into bed and then i laid there about two hours before developing a massive headache and now im up and doing boring things on the internet. playing my game usually calms me down but its not today, and i have my music going in the background but my mind is still racing. its times like these that i truly believe the doctors of late are wrong and i DO have bipolar disorder and need something to calm the mania, but then other times that i wonder if they are right and it was seriously alcohol and drug issues covering and making it seem like other problems were more extreme. or something like that. see i ramble sometimes, things make sense to me but probably not to others lol. im glad my disability SSI case went through but on the same note im worried cause bills are getting to be a lot again and i dont know what to do with them. sigh all i can do i guess is pray and keep paying the bills. got car insurance back on the car, not that thats going to help now after my accident in october, i still have no money to get the body damages fixed and went through the car wash today and realized my trunk leaks BAD ! its frustrating. a lot of things are frustrating me right now. i am worried about my head, because its been about a month since my injury and im still have a lump and localized pain in the area. i want to tell people what really happened but i cant. i cant betray my life anymore. i knoe 90% of people in my life already know or can guess what happened so i dont want to talk about it... i dont know why i stay, i never thought i would be one of THOSE women. you know? like theres a damn stigma around the abuse situation and its always the mans fault except when its not. so where does that leave me? cause this time, and only this time i actually didnt do anything to provoke this particular attack however lord knows i have provoked MANY more of them and hes been hurt too. so what now? where do we go from here? i dont want my daughter to grow up being hurt and i know she is. i want to leave. i want to take off and start a new life away from everybody. i want to stop the pain. and it seems to be in my blood to run. i dont understand why men can leave their families all the time and oh poor single mom and blah blah blah, but if a woman leaves her husband to raise the children, its oh my god what the hell is wrong with her? shes a horrible mother! well the children are better off without her! and stupid stuff like that. i dont understand the stigma society puts on mothering and parenting as a whole. i know i used to take childless 'vacations' for a while, going to see friends every weekend in michigan or family in ohio, but now money and hubbys job have put an end to that for a while...so how do i calm this desire to leave? how do i not run? its been 6 years and ive been through hell and back and not run and i dont really know why i didnt run yet, but i know God is out there somewhere, and he has a plan for me, but it hurts right now, and its been a lott of hurting and i just want to not hurt for a little while....is that too much to ask?