AWAKE...AGAIN....

sigh, im awake..have alot on my mind that wasnt there last night when i blogged. so i will come bore you all with the details of it. i have a Kindle Touch  that i got on black friday...i never have shopped on black friday but i was thinking of getting a kindle for a long time and then that day was payday and we had a little extra moneys so decided to head out to best buy and ask questions about it and then i ended up getting one. i love it. but i feel a little guilty about not reading more 'books' and possibly making them extinct...but it beats having to always pay late fees or damaged fees cause ive left my book in the bathroom while reading and relaxing in the tub and then mackenzie has thrown it in the tub with her, and its just easier. i have about 90 books on there right now cause it seems every website i find that has a free book, i download it if it sound interesting...anyways thats not whats really bothering me. i met someone. a guy i REALLY like, and he seems to like me. but oddly enough for 'religious' reasons he only has sex when hes been with a woman for a commited relationship and not a little 3 days course of conversations haha...but its nice. to me. cause a lot of my male 'friends' i hang out with and know somewhere that the night will end with us hooking up, so this guy is kinda cool change to the pace. oh my husband? yes, well we have a marriage of 'convenience' ? is that the right word to use? when he wants me around im his wife when he doesnt, im all the other words he can describe me and his punching bag, and as of new years eve, im just kinda done with it. we are still living together but are filing for legal seperation. i still love him, i really do, i think he still loves me, but maybe it seems that we arent destined to be married after all. we seem to just spend more time thinking of ways to hurt each other then we are trying to find ways to make each other happy. so for now we just are kinda parenting roomates and its ok. we havent fought since this incident with my head, and we just are generally getting along and its ok. daughter doesnt seem confused by the fact that we dont sleep together anymore so thats good too. above all my concern is her, i know it doesnt seem like it sometimes, but it is. i would / have go through hell for her to be happy. i know all too well that there will be times coming soon when i wont be able to always wipe the tears and make her heart stop hurting. i know all to well how soon other people are going to start affecting her life both emotionally happy and sadly and i hurt cause i dont want her to hurt, but thats part of growing up....so i pray that she doesnt make bad choices that i made, and get hurt so early on in life that it messes up the rest of her life. i lay awake many nights and i wonder how do i tell her dont smoke, when everyday she sees daddy smoking. how do i tell her dont drink? when she has (in the past) seen mommy drink into oblivion. how do i tell her dont do drugs, when shes seen me pop so many pills even when not addicted, i took a lott of pills daily to control my bipolar disorder? ....i know alot if not all parents have these questions but i just take it harder. how do i explain to her why shes an "only child" when she has 2 sisters and a brother being raised by other people? there are so many things that i dont know how to do or what to say....its true babies dont come with a handbook....for now i just pray and sit and wonder sometimes how she is turning out to be such the loving little girl she is. she always makes everyone smile, she always wants to talk and never wants anyone to cry...maybe im not doing that bad of a job as a parent afterall....