RANDOM TODAY

following the title of my blog, this post is going to probably be completely random lol. i have begun the grieving process in earnest...i dont know what stage i am in or if im in mixed stages or what ...i only know im angry and hurting and confused about all this. i also am feeling guilt. so much guilt, she wanted me to leave my husband when all this mess happened with him with me getting stitches in my head, and come to south dakota and spend some time with her, maybe she was asking for help in the way i do, a round-a-bout way that says i need someone to help me out right now, but since im "strong", im going to make it seem like i just want you to come visit...im sad that i didnt take the time to go. im sad that i didnt have more time with her. im sad i didnt have more memories with her. im blessed and grateful that i had 9 years with her, and im blessed and grateful that i got to meet some of my brothers and sisters....i am struggling with the decisions i want to make...i dont even know if the peole in my life in ohio want to be a part of my life anymore now, i know for sure my brother doesnt....well he said he doesnt but i dont know if that was grief or what....i will let him be for now and if he does chose to contact me in the future, i will be so grateful to have that contact....my older brother here, wishes not to contact me, i have reached out to him countless times including when i returned home after south dakota but he continually ignores me and it hurts. it hurts cause i need him, i need family right now, and he chooses to stay away. i believe i have hurt him with the choices i have made with my husband. and staying in the abusive relationship, however i do love my brother beyond that, and only wish he could understand and respect my decisions but also be a part of my life. i am angry with God right now. i understand that the human experience is not meant to last forever. i understand that we are "temporary beings" here on this earth but i dont understand why all this grief keeps getting shoved my way. and thats how it feels. i was just beginning to see the new life in my world after losing my daughter and my grandmother a year ago, and i lose my birthmom. i am blessed in some ways i guess that i have another "mom" here that raised me but that isnt giving me any consolation or peace right now. i hurt and there is this huge hole in my heart right now where my loved ones that i fiercely loved have been taken away from me. i am trying to read grief books and get to a psychiatrist to get back on some medications to help with my bipolar or whatever i may have, but its difficult. there are so many times i want to stop caring or loving anyone in my life for fear of the pain when they eventually leave me. cause thats the plan here on earth. you love someone as much as you can, and you hope you make them happy in their temporary life here, and then they go home to heaven and have eternal happiness. so i begin to wonder if its even worth it anymore? is it worth the love and the hurt and the pain i feel when they are gone? i truly believe in a lot of things, i believe that fate exists, i believe that God exists no matter how contrary they may be to each other, i believe that people are placed in our lives for a reason and when they leave our lives no matter through death, or adoption (as with my daughter) or just passing through and relationships ending (as with ex boyfriends and friends etc.).....i dont know all the reasons that people pass through and i understand my Lord doesnt believe i need to know all those reasons, but i hurt. and im so tired of hurting. i know you have to take the good with the bad, but it just seems lately that the bad is outnumbering the good, and i just want the sun to shine in my heart again. i want to be able to TRULY smile without tears hiding behind it, i want to feel excited to love again, i want to find joy in waking up in the morning....i just want my life back.....

MY BIRTHMOM DIED 03/02/2012 AGE 54....

that is the hardest shit i hope i EVER have to do...


got a phone call thursday aroud 3pm saying my birth-mom was in the ICU in south dakota...i called the hospital and they told me to come out there....so we got on the road by 5pm, drove all night and arrived in Sioux city friday around 3am, checked hubby and kid into the hotel and they went to sleep, i went to the hospital and talked to the nurses... my mom evidently found out 10 years ago that she had cervical cancer, but chose not to have surgery...(idk anyone else ahem who would EVER not have a hysterectomy when they are told they have cancer....called the dr friday...no worries) and so the police found her on the 29th and thats only after noone heard from her for 4 days, basically cause she had no family there or anyone that knew anything, they had to perform cpr and whatever, bought her "back" she had a pulse and crap but she was braindead...they only know they found a giant mass on her cervix that covered her kidneys which caused kidney failure and by the time she got ot the hospital it was already too late, her body was shutting down....

Friday: we just had to turn the machines off...of course we thought that would be it...about 20 minutes later, she was still "breathing" and ughhh it got to be very hard...i cannot even imagine the nurses but they were awesome...anyways finally a little over 8 hours later, she turned to her sister, opened her eyes and that was it...i left the hospital around 11pm when they took her body away....

Sunday: got back to the hotel around 1230am, hubby and kid were sleeping until around 9am and then about 20 mins later...the 3 of us stayed in the pool for about 2 hours, then got out showered and went to the funeral home...then went to my moms apt....then got back to the hotel about 6? pmish....hubby and child went to sleep...i sat there until about 11pm when i woke hubby up and said lets go home...so we packed up and got home around 630am sunday morning.


i cannot breath, i cannot grieve, i dont know which way to turn  i understand she has finally found peace in her rough life and i praise god for that, but i am left her broken....i only knew her for 9 years, but she was still the woman who gave me life....and i love her no matter her faults...only god can judge her now...i will forever miss you mom....i love you

IM BACK

i know i know run for your lives! lol...lotts happened since last posting. fish are dead. seriously the turtles are red-eared sliders and i guess are known to be vicious and will eat other fish, thats why i bought the feeder goldfish, i didnt realize they would also attack any other fish in the darn tank! both algae eaters are gone, and all the goldfish except the white one are gone, i have however seen the white one attacking the turtles one day so maybe thats why they dont bother him?! i dont know...haha...im sad about the algae eaters so poonanny about that. i "made" two new friends and only one survived the last month haha...idk whatever. i got some new tires courtesy of my new friends helping me get a huge discount cause he works at a tire place, but it seems that his (married to another man) girlfriend is jealous of  me being friends with him ( i really am surprised since shes the one who wanted desperately for me to meet him and be friends with him...) so her and i exchanged words and are no longer friends...we did go to chicago (on hubby and my dime of course) all together before the friendship broke up so i guess ill always have the memories? haha. anyways whatever. im thinking of going to chicago this weekend while hubby and daughter stay home. would be nice to get away for once BY MYSELF. for myself. you know? ever needed a mommy vacation? im lucky enough to be able to get one, i dont think i should miss this oppurtunity.....got really horrible news about my back MRI and i dont even know which way to look for guidance on that one. but for now i am back on pain meds that i didnt want to take, but they arent even really helping so  im not really taking them. the doctor placed me on bedrest but i know from my medical background and experience, that bedrest is NOT going to help my back, its going to make it worse from not moving, and since im working out at the Y and not dying of pain when im done working out, then im going to continue that workout until i cant. if something breaks (my back or neck or something) then i guess ill have learned my lesson the way i learn all my lessons in life, the HARD way...haha....my mom thinks im crazy but i am so whats the big deal? she also knows i do things the hard way cause whats the point in listening to people when i think i know better? haha. ok well im tired and have to go squeeze in a 45 minute workout at the ymca so im not throwing my schedule off...hubby is playing his darn game anyways and wont even notice me if im missing for a little while....kinda sad if you think about it....

laters

EXCERCISE

joined the ymca and worked out for first time today in like 4 years! ha, crazy. was good though. got some pain in my knee but nothing too bad....glad to have had some time to myself and not dealing with all the bs around here. got more drama on the way which sucks but whatever, i will handle it as usual. turtles and fish still doing good. :)

S I G H

i just have no more words. im exhausted emotionally and physically. got some turtles and fish so happy about that. car is messed up. will cost a lot of money to fix. so basically cant drive too much other then essential driving. rack and pinion are ready to go at any moment  estimated cost to fix that - $800 , power steering pump ready to go soon too - est. cost to repair that $350. need two front tires DESPERATELY bad est. cost for them $300. going to crawl in a cave and not come out ever again.

STUCK

i feel stuck in a completely impossible situation. i cannot even deal with this bs anymore. and its not fair. my life and my daughters life are at stake....see i have discussed the situation with 'dear husband' and basically the arguement from him is that i am not leaving him with our daughter. if i attempt to do so, he will fight me in court. and my thought is this; with the amount of documentable (not including the undocumented) domestic violence that has occured in this marriage, he would not get custody of mackenzie, and if he did, i would never allow it since the family members that he would be leaving her with while hes at work, i dont trust so...and with my prior history of losing my children and the latest episode with my princess that ive lost forever, i would most definitely never get custody of our daughter we have now, which leaves only one option, the state would put her in a foster home. now i can leave and claim domestic violence and i fear for my life (which in a way i do, but not my daughters) but then my daughter wouldnt have a relationship with her father anymore and i dont care about the problems that i have with him, those are OUR problems as adults and they dont need to include our daughter anymore then they already have...so i feel like im being forced to stay in a relationship thats becoming increasingly dangerous for me, and almost by proxy for her, cause what lessons am i teaching her?!?! and to me, it seems he doesnt care about her cause hes not willing to let me go with her...anyone have any advice? you can comment anonymously...and i really need advice here! PLEASE

NOT POSTING TONIGHT

just really exhausted lately. not sure if depression kicking in and trying to settle for a while...but we will see. february 6th is coming quickly...and i dont know how to handle it...trying to not think about it...it will have been 4 years on that day...and it still feels like yesterday...im devastated that we still havent received a photo but i am learning to try and accept it and move on with my life...its difficult but im trying to remember that im living Gods plan and not mine!